The Cat
by yesimadramaqueen
Summary: Maliver. A short, silly story about Mal buying River a cat and the consequences of that. For my cat, Misty :
1. and the pilot

_The cat and the pilot_

The crowded streets of Persephone had become familiar territory. The whole planet was practically their second home, so he knew every shop and vendor on this particular street. He had bought something from pretty much everyone, except for the small pet store on the corner.

Mal had never been one for pets. He had the cattle and his horse. That was all he needed growing up. Fish were for eating, birds were for watching, rabbits were for hunting.

He'd pass that shop a million times, but he never went in. There was no point. Every animal in there was _legal_. He was only interested in them if they were of the illegal variety.

River, on the other hand, loved pets. She had a fish growing up and, at one point, a hamster named Edgar. Then there was Fifi, her bunny. Simon had a dog named Hopkins for a little while too. They were always great company. So, when she saw the pet shop, she turned to Mal with a big smile.

"Can we go into the pet store? _Please, Captain_?" she begged excitedly.

"Fine, but you're not gettin' anything."

She beamed and grabbed his coat sleeve to pull him towards the door. It was her latest habit. He knew the way. He could walk. Still, she insisted on pulling him everywhere. Not that he minded.

They entered the small store, and he wrinkled his nose at the strong stench of wood chips and wet fur. He leaned towards an enclosure, glancing inside just briefly. A frog leapt at the glass and he recoiled to the lilted sound of his albatross's laughter.

"Little froggy won't hurt you," she smirked.

He shook his head and followed her graceful footsteps down a long aisle. She abruptly stopped and turned towards one of the cages. Her eyes got wider and a smile crossed her face.

He stood awkwardly behind her, leaning over her shoulder at the cat inside the cage.

There was nothing extraordinary about the feline. It was solid black, save three white hairs in the center of its chest. It was older, long and lean, with a slender tail curled into a perfect question mark. The only thing that stood out was its big, golden eyes that reminded him all too much of a certain mindreading pilot…

"Her name is May," River informed him. She frowned suddenly.

"What?" he asked.

"Her family left her. They had to move and she couldn't come. Been here a long time. No one wants an older kitty."

"That's real sad. We should get goin' soon."

The owner saw them and briskly ambled to their side. "Can I help ya?"

"No," Mal said quickly.

The cat in the crate mewed loudly, almost as if it were protesting. Mal watched in amazement as River leaned forward and the cat touched her nose with her own. She giggled when the cat's paw reached out and snatched some of her hair.

"I see yer lookin' at May. It's a shame really. I gotta put her down today."

River's head snapped towards him with a grimace tugging at her mouth. "Why?"

"I gotta make room. I can't take care of her forever."

"You can't kill her!" River cried, returning to the crate. The pained expression on her face and the tears forming her big, brown eyes tore a hole in Mal's heart.

"Are cats easy to take care of?" he asked.

"Yeah. They can be totally indoor. May's already box trained. She's old, so she don't play much. She's real calm. Sleeps mostly."

Mal looked back at River who was still bonding with the thing, talking to it and stroking it through the bars. The words slipped out before he knew he had said them.

"We'll take her."

An hour later, they were back on Serenity. He lugged the tons of things they bought for the gorram cat while River carried the fancy, little carrier they got for her.

Mal put all of the stuff in her room. May had already curled up on River's pillow like it was home.

"Listen up lil' albatross," he began sternly. "That thing is yours. You take care of it. You're responsible for it. Keep it out of the way. I'm not takin' care of that thing and neither is anyone else. From now on food and whatever else it needs comes outta your paycheck. And—"

She hugged him with a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, Captain."

And just like that, he forgot the rest of his speech. "Take good care of it after all the ruttin' money it cost."

She grinned. "I will."

He nodded and looked at the black ball of fuzz he just spent over half of his cut on. He walked out shaking his head. That crazy little witch had him whipped.


	2. and the mercenary

_The cat and the mercenary_

Jayne would never admit it, but he loved pets. Growing up, they had a cat that would come up on the porch for milk and scraps. He'd sit out with it while he practiced putting his wooden peashooter back together like a real gun. That cat was a sweet, old thing, and he felt awful when it stopped visiting.

May reminded him of the feline, but, of course, no one other than River knew. If people were around, he'd fuss at May, making a ruckus over his "personal space." If they weren't, he'd pat her on the head and talk quiet-like with her. Sometimes, he'd let her hang around while he cleaned all his guns as long as she didn't paw too much.

It was late one evening. He'd spent his cut on fancy grain alcohol sent in from the Core, and he intended on enjoying it until he passed out. Mal was on the bridge, River sat on the couch next to the kitchen, Jayne was halfway to hammered at the table, May sat in front of him, and everyone else was in their bunks.

"I…I…you…" he slurred, pointing at May, "…you reminds me of a kitty I knowed and I…I love you…"

River giggled, turning a page in the book she was reading. He glanced at her and said, although he'd already made this comment five and a half times—he didn't finish the second time—"When you get here, moonbrain?"

"Been here," she chimed, again.

He nodded and downed the rest of the drink, setting the glass in front of the cat. She started batting at it until it came crashing to the floor. Jayne laughed and River shook her head, quietly chiding, "May, _no_."

Mal heard the noise and came running, hand hovering over his holster. Jayne was still laughing and River giggled at his stupidity.

"What in ruttin' hell?" Mal asked.

Jayne either didn't hear or purposely ignored him. He put his hands on May, looked in her River-like eyes, and declared, "I love ya, you pretty kitty you." Then, he hugged her close and River's giggling became a howling laughter.

"Hey, not so hard!" Mal demanded. "You're gonna hurt the cat."

After a grunt, Jayne let go. May mewed, so River collected her and patted the mercenary on the shoulder. "Sleep it off, girly man."

"I love ya, crazy witch, I _love ya_," he proclaimed, patting her hand back.

Mal's eyes narrowed and he promptly demanded he clean up the broken glass before River or the cat stepped in it. She found this particularly funny since he didn't like the cat—supposedly—and Jayne could hardly stand. In any case, Mal was the one that wound up having to clean the mess. River and the cat went to sleep, and Jayne blacked out after telling May he loved her once more. Unfortunately, after his outburst, Jayne's new nickname was _Mr. Whiskers _for his love of cats.


	3. and the mechanic

_The cat and the mechanic_

Kaylee was ecstatic to have a cat onboard. Anything cute, fuzzy, and friendly was her kind of person. She'd never had pets when she was young. Machinery and animals was _not_ the brightest combination in the 'verse.

Now that they had a pet, she was always doting on her. She spent money helping River get toys and fancy whatnots. They'd play with her in the cargo bay when they got the chance. Whenever River had to go on a job—which was rare, given her pilot status—Kaylee would watch over the cat. She'd brush her for hours and hours, talking and gossiping. After Inara left, she felt she'd lost a friend. She still had River, and now they had May.

One boring afternoon planet-side, Kaylee, River, and May decided to clean the engine. Of course, May was meant to sleep peacefully in the hammock, but she was too curious not to help. An accidental spill later, her fur was matted with engine wine and grease. Naturally, that called for a bath.

It sounded like someone was killing the poor thing. Mal heard it when they got back from their meeting. He ran to the source of the noise—May in the kitchen sink—and gaped at the torture bestowed on the feline.

"What are you doing to her?" he cried.

"Engine wine and grease have affixed themselves to her fur. The contents are not sanitary. We must lather, rinse, and repeat," River explained rapidly.

"We was cleanin' the engine and May tried to help!" Kaylee chuckled. "She's a real helpful cat, just mistook a step is all. She don't care for water much…"

May cried and Mal cringed. "I wouldn't like it much neither if two people were scrubbing all on me without me giving permission! Hurry up and finish. It's making things all sorts of not-quiet-like."

"Almost done, Cap'n. She'll be pretty as a picture. I think I got a ribbon for her collar!"

"Don't do that! She ain't gonna like it!" Mal snapped.

River raised her eyebrows. He quickly backpedaled, "Then she's gonna fuss some more and nobody's gonna sleep for her howling."

"Yes, Captain," River smiled. "We'll take care of her."

"See that you do, li'l albatross."

May meowed and he smirked, wandering off as fast as humanly possible.

"Cap'n likes the kitty," Kaylee hummed. "Cap'n likes the kitty's keeper even more."

"Kaylee!"

"Just sayin'."


	4. and the doctor

_The cat and the doctor_

Simon enjoyed pets. He and River had a zoo when they were children. One thing they never had was a cat. This was because of Simon's allergy. There were medications to help the reactions, but not cure them. In the Black, coming by any medication at all wasn't exactly easy.

When River got the thing, he started sneezing right away. He found her in her room with it. She looked at him and smiled. He asked if she remembered his allergy and she nodded, stating, "It's not severe enough to kill you. They were going to kill May. Sacrifice for the greater good. And you forgot to feed my fish." He tried to explain that was over ten years ago, but she wound up shouting, "_Murderer_! You killed my fish!" He backed down and spent his pay on tissues and antihistamines. It didn't help that Kaylee loved the kitty as much as River. Between the two of them, it was a miracle his eyes hadn't swollen shut.

He stood in the infirmary, stocking the shelves, when a meow caught his attention. He spun around, placing a surgical mask over his face. May stood in the doorway, tail thrashing, _mocking him_.

"Stay back," he warned her. "Last time you got close to me, I had to take so much diphenhydramine I almost overdosed!"

She moved closer, purring sweetly. He backed into the corner, holding up a resolute hand. "Don't come any closer. I mean it. If I made you sick, you wouldn't want to be around me."

"I think you're already sick, doctor," Mal laughed. "You're talking to a cat."

"I'm allergic, Captain. I'm trying to deter her," he defended.

"She's not hurting anybody."

"She's hurting me!"

"Anybody worth mention. Now, don't be so rude."

"You don't even like her!"

River's face appeared in the doorway at Mal's flank. "But I like her."

"You got him in on this?" Simon gaped.

"No, I just heard you yelling and thought I'd tell you to stop."

"You're messing with our cat," she sighed. "Not appreciated."

"_Your_," Mal snapped. "I'm just the captain making sure everybody's getting along."

River gave him a classic River look and summoned May with the wiggle of her fingers. She picked her up and informed Simon, "Stop being such a baby or I'm going to have her sleep with you tonight."

Simon sputtered for a moment and finally exclaimed, "You wouldn't!"

"I would."

"She would," Mal agreed. "Good day, Doctor."

The three of them left and he shook his head. "They're a gang, I swear…"


	5. and the first mate

_The cat and the first mate_

Zoe wasn't a warm and fuzzy type. Animals were okay, but she didn't particularly like them. Wash used to talk about getting a pet instead of having a baby, just to see how hard it would be to raise something on the ship. He wanted a dog, but she pointed out the mess they make and their lack of diapers. He insisted he didn't care. Pets were like people, if people were loyal and loving all the time.

She had nothing against May. She was a nice enough cat and made River all sorts of happy and responsible. Yet, she could cause some trouble. Ever since she came on the ship, the doctor was sick, the mechanic was painfully happier, the hired gun was Mr. Whiskers, the pilot was always fussing over her, and the captain was not himself. She knew why he bought the thing, which made him twitchy. On top of that, he wouldn't admit he liked the cat, which made him even twitchier. He had more secrets than places to keep them. Of course, keeping them is fruitless when you have a reader onboard.

There wasn't much to do after dinner. All the chores were done and it wasn't like she could go for a walk in the Black. So, she settled for reading at the table. At first, everything was quiet. Nothing stayed that way on their boat. It started with a commotion and River hollering about something. She didn't think much of it, even though River hardly carried on anymore. Suddenly, a soft tail brushed against her ankle and May leapt onto the table top, a dinosaur in her mouth.

She dropped it by Zoe, and meowed like she rutting _knew_ what it signified. Zoe picked it up and raised an eyebrow at the beast. "What you bringin' me this for, kitty?" she inquired.

"She understands and comprehends," River answered, joining the table. "I put the dinosaurs pack in their place. She likes to bat things."

"I noticed," Zoe smirked. "Are you sayin' this cat knows about Wash?"

"Animal instinct. Senses beyond the human five. Know what you feel. Know what you lost."

Carefully, River stood the dinosaur upright and May went to her. She scratched her ears and looked at Zoe seriously. "I know you don't like pets. May's different. She wants to help."

May purred in agreement and the girl carried her away. Zoe smiled to herself.

"The reader has a reader cat."

She held the toy fondly, considering maybe Wash was right about pets after all.


	6. and the captain

_The cat and the captain_

It was no secret the captain didn't like May. The real secret was that he actually _liked _the fuzz ball. He was determined not to, but that thing was crafty. It started the first night on his ship. She showed up in _his_ bunk and sprawled across _his_ legs. He carried her out and to the hall, locked the door, double checked it, and went to bed. She came right back. He wasn't even sure how she'd gotten down there. Cats could jump, he knew, but that was a big leap.

After two weeks of the same game, he gave up and let her sleep on his ankles. He started to find her presence comforting and he slept better because of it. In the morning, he'd talk to her for a bit, then discreetly carry her to the bridge without anyone knowing. Not even River knew, or at least she didn't act like it. In any case, it was unknown he liked her and he wanted it that way. The last thing he wanted was to ruin his tough, captainy image.

He sat at the table, drinking his coffee, and looking over some paperwork. River appeared, holding the humming May, and sat her right in the captain's lap. It was like she set a grenade on him. He speedily moved her to the table, cursing in Chinese.

"River—!"

"Have to watch her for awhile, Captain."

"She's _your_ cat! Remember? We went over this. You're the one that—"

"Going to the market with Simon and Kaylee. May is mischievous when left unattended. I'd put her in my room and close the door, but she doesn't like being confined or unaccompanied."

"Then have Zoe or Mr. Whiskers watch her. Jayne likes the fluffy—"

"Gone out drinking."

"Before noon?"

"It's Jayne, Captain."

"Well, I'm not watching her. I have captainy stuff to do."

"Liar. You're drinking coffee."

"I mean later…"

"Planning on napping."

He scowled. Gorram readers…

"Heard that."

"Stop it!" he snapped. "Point is, she's yours and I shouldn't have to watch her."

"She wants to be with Daddy while Mommy is out. Won't be trouble. Goodbye, Captain."

With that, she waltzed out and he stared at his furry friend. "Daddy?" he inquired. She purred, nuzzling against his rough palm. He smiled. "Let's go take a nap before Mommy gets back."

He picked her up gingerly and they headed to his bunk for a catnap.


	7. and the open door

_The cat and the open door_

He was half asleep in the copilot's chair when River's frantic voice and shaking of his shoulder roused him.

"Wha—?"

"May! Can't find! Locations unknown, coordinates vague, missing in action, away without leave, gone, smoke and mirrors…"

"Slow down, darlin'. You can't find the cat?"

"No!"

"I'm sure she's around this boat someplace. There are lots of little nooks she can curl up in."

Her frightened eyes pulled at him. He sighed and stood up, offering, "You want me to help you look?"

"Please?"

"Alright, li'l albatross. I'll help you look."

She gripped his sleeve and pulled him down the corridor. They searched the obvious places and wound up in the cargo bay. Mal hadn't been alarmed, after all it's a good sized ship, but trepidation grasped his heart when he saw the cargo bay door wide open.

"Who opened that?" he growled.

"Don't know. She could have…she…" River stammered. He lightly squeezed her hand in reassurance, breaking free of her to look outside. He saw nothing but the wood, where a cat could very easily get lost and never found. He cursed and shut the door behind him as he darted to the intercom.

"Stop whatever you're doing. We have a missing cat and an open door. Search the ship," Mal ordered. He loved that cat, although he wouldn't admit it, and he knew River loved her even more. He feared what would happen to her if her darling May was lost for good.

Kaylee and Jayne went right to work, searching every inch of the rooms they were in. Zoe helped and even Simon poked around, following his allergies. River covered the smallest of places and hardest to reach. Mal looked everywhere and after an hour, feared the worst.

They met up in the cargo bay to see if they'd missed anywhere.

"I think we've looked everywhere," Simon said sadly. He had a like for the cat since River was better with her around.

"Oh Cap'n! What are we gonna do?" Kaylee sniffled. "This ain't shiny. We looked every which way, and that means she's out there where somethin' awful is like to happen!"

"Calm down," Mal barked. "One last time, who checked where?"

They recapped and he realized the one place he hadn't looked. He ran off telling everyone to stay put, but River followed. They wound up in his bunk, where May slept peacefully on his pillow. He breathed a sigh of relief and stroked her spine affectionately.

"Don't do that again," he commanded.

River climbed onto the bed and May got into her lap, purring and meowing about something. She petted her and smiled at the guilty captain.

"You like her," she accused.

"Okay, I do, but don't tell nobody."

"Your secret is safe with me, Captain," she looked at the cat, crooning, "Say goodbye to Daddy."

She stood up and lightly kissed his cheek, gracefully scaling the ladder. He touched where she had just kissed, grinning and following her path. They were greeted with a chorus of happy comments and the poor cat was suffocated with hugs.

"I was so worried!" Kaylee exclaimed, holding her close and motioning to Simon to pet her. He reached out and placed a single finger on her head, withdrawing with a wheeze.

"Who left the gorram door open anyhow?" Jayne demanded. "She coulda wandered out and gotten eat by a coyote or some gorram predator!"

"I assumed it was you," Simon stated.

"I thought it was you," he shot back, "tryin' to get rid of May."

"I would never do that!" he defended. "It wasn't me. I've been in the infirmary all day."

"And I've been under the engine," Kaylee added.

"Don't look at me," Zoe chimed, "I've been cleaning my gun."

"Weren't me!" Jayne grumbled.

Mal glanced at River. She smiled at him and everything made sense. He decided it was best to take the fall.

"It was me. I must of forgot to close it when I went out for some air this mornin'."

"Cap'n!" Kaylee cried. "You know better!"

"Yeah, I don't know what came over me. Well, off to work. We gotta hit atmo in thirty."

They dispersed and he pulled River aside. "All that, just to get me to admit I like your cat?"

"You weren't going to any other way."

"I believed you and got everyone riled over nothing! Damn, you're convincin'. You're the one bringing May into my bunk at night, aren't you?"

"No. She opens the hatch and goes down the ladder by herself."

He scowled. "You didn't have to do all this to get me to like her."

"I know. I wanted you to love her like you love me."

"I—you—I don't—wha—"

"Secret is safe with me," she winked. "Let me know when you want Mommy and Daddy to be in the same bed, May…" she whispered loud enough so he could hear. May responded, and they started walking away.

"Wait, you don't mean…" Mal called. "Are you…do you…do I?"

"Yes, yes, yes…" she answered. "Simon is going to hit you. First, you get his sister a cat. Then, you get his sister."

"I don't get…" he huffed, "Don't I get a say in anything that happens on this boat anymore?"

"No."


End file.
